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“Everything stopped, and as my therapist aptly put it, I ‘entered another dimension’, where I believed I was a plague that the world needed to be rid of.”
Fears is a project by Dublin-based musician and producer Constance Keane. Fears has linked up with videographer Clodagh Farrelly to tell a raw and honest tale of suicidal thoughts and using creativity to quell them.
Read some of Fears’ story below and click here to read it in full.
“In Autumn 2017, following a traumatic event, I became acutely suicidal and tried to die. A whole bunch of times. For weeks. It was horrendous, not only for me, but for my family also. In a few seconds, I transformed into an unrecognisable being. Anxiety has been part of my busy and fulfilling life for years, but I had never had suicidal ideation before. Everything stopped, and as my therapist aptly put it, I ‘entered another dimension’, where I believed I was a plague that the world needed to be rid of.
“The overwhelming need to end your own life is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. You can’t escape it. You go to sleep, weeping and terrified at the thought of having to wake up again, bargaining with the universe to take you in your sleep so no one can be mad at you. You remove all the batteries from the clocks in your house because the second hand mocks you every single time it moves, little reminders that you’re still here. You dodge the weather forecast at all costs, because when they talk about the fact that tomorrow exists, you scan the room for something you could use as a weapon.”
Fears ended up in a six week stint in a mental health facility in Dublin.
“Turns out it’s not always like they show in the movies,” she says. “These six weeks were spent in a safe environment, with gentle distraction and time to reflect in equal measure. I had space and time to learn about myself, others, and how the human brain operates. I also learned how to make cinnamon rolls.
“I wrote and recorded ‘h_always’ in the music room on site in the hospital. This music room became a refuge for me over the course of my stay. I initially started going there to cry, but soon started picking up the instruments and making anything from reflective pop music to aggressive punk. You don’t have to be “good” at anything in hospital. You’re there, and you’re doing something, and that’s enough. When there’s no pressure to create, your thinking brain can take a backseat and let your feeling brain release itself through creativity. Creative expression is there for us when it feels like nothing makes sense. Creativity doesn’t have to make sense.
“I learned firsthand of the importance of resources like this in mental health facilities. I could go and play whatever with whoever, and (dare I say it) even have a brief bit of fun. My situation could happen to anyone, but not everyone is as lucky as me. Not everyone has a room full of instruments in their hospital. I wish that they did.”
If you’ve been affected by Fears’ story contact Samaritans 116 123.