Words: Dylan Murphy
Ever wanted to have altitude sickness and depression? Here is your chance!
What is it?
A studio apartment that would “Suit P ro fessional Sin gle or co uple.” with a Kingsize Mezzanine bed. It’s described as “compact but has everything you need.”
I’m not sure if the gaps in the middle of words are supposed to represent the plotholes in the façade they are spinning, but this ain’t it. “Compact but has everything you need” is what a spin doctor would call a coffin with a hole to shit in so I’m not optimistic.
My bullshit radar has got pretty sharp throughout this series and can already feel my senses tingling with this place.
I was always told as a kid that first impressions matter; put your best foot forward and people will be more receptive to what you have to offer. So to be greeted by this as the first photo on the listing had me looking like a surprised Pikachu.
Can someone tell me what this actually is?
After much consideration and plenty of sighs, I concluded it might be Harry Potter’s room under the stairs, but fuck knows really.
The fact that the person letting this place will unashamedly have this as the banner image and then proceed to ask for €1000 a month is straight-up disrespectful.
Just look at that pathetic cube holding up the ladder.
It’s a sad indictment on the state of Ireland when I have marginally more confidence in a wooden box’s ability to provide stability than the current government. Is it actually an art project highlighting that very idea that you’ll inevitably have to listen to when wet bars reopen and some fella makes a heavy-handed attempt to impress you? Who knows. What’s certain is that Bart Simpson’s treehouse has seen safer ladders.
The ill-placed stairway kind of reminds me of Frank Ocean’s visual album ‘Endless’ that released him from his restrictive record contract. Maybe if you cry loud enough from the top of the ladder, your howls will develop into a sweet falsetto and dobby will come out from the cupboard and free the inhabitants of the capital’s skewed housing market from their lousy overlords.
I mean, at least you won’t ever get cold having a fireplace and oven so close to each other, but you will have some weird convection current of heating at waist height running through the room.
Anyone with size 8 feet or higher will have their toes looking like smores in winter if they sit on that sofa.
No pictures showing the inside of the toilet cubicle-sized kitchen, but a blurry picture of the fireplace? Sure, why not.
In all seriousness though, why include this photo of the fireplace but not a single one capturing the ‘living space’?
Trying to mentally glue together the jigsaw of corner facing pictures is giving me more of a headache than the government guidelines for COVID.
I still can’t really work out the shape of the flat and it’s wild that the landlord has the cheek to charge €1000 a month for this understairs cupboard-climbing frame hybrid.
Ah, yes. Nothing says a good night’s sleep like the floodlight from your local football ground.
Where is it?
The landlord would probably have you believe it’s the stairway to heaven, but it is in fact in Portobello, D8.
This place poses more questions than answers. For there only to be two rooms and neither of which is shown fully (and they still look shite) and they ask for €1000 a month is quite honestly ridiculous.
This gets a 7/10 on the shitemeter.
Click here to view the property.