Living Hell 007: Cook and cry from the comfort of your bed

Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. This edition we’ve examined an overpriced shoebox that channels the insufferable energy of early 2010s influencers.

What is it?

First of all, before looking hesitantly with an eye-half-closed at this place it’s important to highlight the state of the current rental market. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt throughout this series is that landlords have absolutely no shame. They’ll wear their shit-stained toilets and weird bedroom-ovens like a badge of honour on their chest. I sort of imagine they compare notes in sleazy Whatsapp groups about the most sinister ways to fit utensils in rooms they should never step foot in. A toilet roll holder by the kitchen sink, a bunk bed in the bathroom – you get the picture.

They’re also single-handedly redefining established adjectives. The property is certainly not the “Stunning” studio that it is described as by the letter. Nor is it “an opportunity not to be missed out on..”

Don’t get me wrong, this property isn’t grimy and it has a lot of new looking furnishings, but being able to pick clothes from a wardrobe whilst spilling ready meals on your bedsheets is not an opportunity many are seeking.

Especially when these jokers are expecting €1,250 per month in rent.

They’ve not really shown a clear view of the bed that sits opposite your oven, but no doubt it will be sold as some sort of productivity hack to cook while you sleep your depression away.

Moreover, the fake-looking plant obstructing the view of your kitchen-bed is more ‘place these on your coffin’ that ‘welcome to my humble abode’. The way they inconspicuously hover above a chair (that couldn’t possibly have any use) in front of what must be the door to the room feels like the result of a rushed attempt to polish a solid nugget of neoliberal excrement.

Doubling down on the utterly insufferable and suffocating space, they’ve decorated it with a teal and white combination that channels the same painful energy of early 2010’s influencers and millennial weddings.

I can’t quite explain why, but those same people using #wanderlust or #positivevibes are now having gender reveal parties and financially crippling desperate renters.

To top it off, the landlord has said “It boasts a contemporary style open-plan living dining area”.

And with that sentence, I have lost the will to live.

When you think things couldn’t get worse, a closer look reveals that the pictures used for the listing aren’t even of the same place. The one on the left has the washer on the left and a table whereas the one on the right has swapped the washer and fridge and more space where the wall indents.

Either the developers can’t tell one depressing place from another or there was a deliberate attempt to deceive viewers. Either way, it’s part of an increasingly predictable formula for renting apartments to people in the capital.

This was highlighted on Twitter by a number of people this week as they shared ‘spacious’ homes that followed the same design and aesthetic.

Irish Times reporter Paul O’Donoghue shared a very similar property from Grayling Properties this week:

Sinn Fein TD Eoin Ó Broin also chipped in with another example.

Let’s get real for a second. This is a pretty disturbing trend and it seems that some aul fella has worked out a formula that consists of fitting box rooms with a few tiles and a bed within arms reach of a cooker. This isn’t “open plan” it’s squashed. The frightening thing is it’s obviously working for the developers and others are starting to cash in on it.

Where is it?

Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not actually the staff room of your local school.

According to the listing, it’s in an “enviable location situated within short walking distance of Dublin City Centre and the Villages of Drumcondra and Phibsborough. The location is second to none, amenities such as Croke Park, The Botanic Gardens, and Fairview Park are all nearby, as well as many shops, bars, restaurants and gyms within east reach.”

Conclusion

A simple search on Daft will bring up numerous places like this. They’re the Coldplay of the property ladder – dry, inescapable and capable of selling something that no one really wants. This property reflects a disturbing wider trend and sadly it looks like there will only be more of these kips in the future.

This gets a 7/10 on the shitemeter.

Click here to view the property.