Changing pitches…

Brazilian wunderkind, and FC Barcelona striker Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior released a mixtape last week. The 17-track tape is available to stream via Soundcloud and according to sources (mainly Nike) the tape aims to celebrate all things futebol.

I left the office thinking about other footballers who, at various points in their careers, made the switch from football to the fickle world of music. Come with me now on a journey through the looking glass…

1. Andy Cole

You may remember him from stints at Newcastle Utd, Manchester Utd, a brief appearance at Portsmouth, and possibly Burnley?

Right. First things first, back in 1999 and riding a wave of confidence that followed from being in arguably one of the best Manchester Utd squads of all time, Andy Cole gave music the right ol’ college try releasing the aptly titled ‘Outstanding’.

The track ticks all the prerequisite boxes to make it an instant and timeless classic: The video features a very expensive car; is shot at night with a static wide lens camera focusing on the driver (Andrew Cole) through the front window of said expensive car; and features lyrical nods to the pioneers of hip hop.

It was released on WEA Records and today fetches £0.99 and £4.00 on Discogs and the release features a B-side titled ‘The Champions’ Double Treble Remix’, I need say no more? I think Pied Piper was involved but I have not been able to confirm beyond reasonable doubt…

Notable lyrics: “United forever whatever the weather. Less than 100 per cent? Never!”.

2. Djibril Cissé

As known from appearances at Liverpool FC, Sunderland, the French National team, and breaking his leg (repeatedly).

Imagine yourself as a striker who’s bagging himself a UEFA Super Cup, and who’s banging in headers in The Stadium of Light.

Life seems good right? Wrong! While thousands of adoring fans sing your name, your soul drifts away from the terraces and £1 pies. You yearn for distant lands where flood lights are met with smoke machines and stud marks are subbed out for Serato boxes.

Basically, when Djibril Cisse retired from football he thought he’d have a go as a DJ and good for him! I haven’t got a clue what he plays but the one promo video I could find on YouTube looked fairly ropey. Do not feel obliged to watch this…

3. Slaven Bilić

You more than likely know him from his current position as manager of West Ham United, and also as a former Evertonian and seven year mainstay of the Croatian FA.

Rawbau are a hard rock band from Croatia, and while to the untrained ear they may sound like an instant Eurovision success, they have, over the years amassed and impressive following. Down pitched snare drums, play like a cross between The All American Rejects, Fall Out Boy and New Found Glory, while the guitar lines and vocals are more… Eh, ‘Raw’?

Their Wikipedia page is in Croatian which makes it tough to figure out what’s going on but we think it names Metallica, AC/DC, and Aerosmith as influences… Or maybe Rawbau influenced them? While you’re here, the video is the single most ‘2008’ thing you’ll ever watch in your life but it is a lovely nod to how great football is…

I’m frightened so I’m going to move on. Take it away, Slaven!

Notable lyrics: I’ll get back to you on that once I brush up on my Serbo-Croatian.

4. Clint “Deuce” Dempsey

Think you know your boy “Deuce”, huh? Deuce from Spurs, Fulham or Seattle do you?

The production credits for the track ‘Don’t Tread on This’ name Nike as the sole producers and Big Hawk and XD also feature on the vocals. All sounds a bit forced right? If I’m honest there are some serious questions that need to be asked about this. Deuce can rap surprisingly well but the whole aesthetic is a little forced. The metaphors don’t really work, the opening skit is painful, and there are some not so subtle brand/product placement. The less said about this one the better.

Notable lyrics: “Thanks to Soccer I’m grinding more ice than a hockey skate.”

5. Glen Hoddle and Chris Waddle

The year is 1987, and two aspiring vocalists contracted to Tottenham Hotspur in north London decide to break from the shackles of social norms and perform on Top of the Pops. Pentagram shaped electric drum kits, power-ballad guitar lines and shoulder pads Grace Jones could only aspire to all combined for an assault on the senses.

It were as if the two Englishmen concentrated their entire musical ability into one short-lived burst opting to shine brightly rather than at length. Like veteran MCs or selectors they left crowds with enough to remember them by, yet too little so that we forever yearn for more. Hoddle was about to leave for Monaco. Waddle would remain at Spurs for another two years before joining Marseille. The track made it to No. 12 in the UK charts.

Expertly played, boys. Expertly played.

Notable lyrics: *All of them…