Words: Dylan Murphy
Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. For this edition, we examine someone’s living room that is being rented out for €890 a month.
What is it?
Two single beds, the kind of kitchen trolley you find in a hospice, a convection oven, a sink and a microwave on top of a router inside someone’s living room for €890 a month.
Or as spotahome have named it, “A cosy studio apartment”.
My first thought on seeing this property was that it was a loading error. This room still looks like it’s buffering.
It doesn’t posit the same energy as most properties we see on the series. There’s more of a quiet chaos to this place. You know the kind, the same energy you get off that quiet kid in school or a right-back wearing number nine. There’s just something untoward about it, that you can’t put your finger on immediately.
On the surface, it’s a warm cardigan, Werther’s Original, slip a fiver in your pocket when you are leaving type living room. But when you click through the photo gallery and realise that your entire living area is literally someone’s living room with some porno pillows, the initial charm wears off.
It looks like someone had the red paint bucket on Microsoft Paint and started clicking randomly all over the room. I mean, just look at the toaster oven – this morning it woke up and chose violence.
It’s not just the properties on spotahome that are bizarre – it’s the descriptions too:
“Are you wanting a stylishly functional studio in the calm and residential Raheny area? This could be a winner.”
The bar for renting a property in Dublin is so low that “functional” has become a selling point. Having essential utensils is no longer an expectation, but something we should thank our lucky stars that landlords gracefully give us for the price of a used Mondeo.
Here’s another direct quote: “There’s a mini oven and you do have an induction hob and microwave.Nice.”
The colour combination of the pillows and sheets has some serious “last minute Valentines Day balloons from the Card Factory” energy about it.
“We couldn’t fit a double bed in so we gave you two single beds in impossibly inconvenient places and a wardrobe that high fives the front door every time you reach for a shirt.” – The landlord, probably.
I’m sorry but a sink and a toaster on wheels at the bottom of your bed is not a kitchen. It’s just not.
Where is it?
The location on the map isn’t super clear, but it’s in Raheny.
This gets a 7/10 on the shitemeter.
Click here to view the property.
Have you seen an overpriced hellhole online? Email us at Editor@districtmagazine.ie with the subject ‘Living Hell’ or follow us on Instagram @livinghell.ireland.