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Living Hell 003: No Toilet? No Problem.

Words: Dylan Murphy

Imagine going to view this spot, any potential tenants would give this place the same terrified look a pensioner gives the first snow of winter.

What is it?
The “low bed” in a bunk bed in a shared room in a three-person apartment in Dublin for €313 a month and believe me it’s worse than it sounds.

First things first, it’s important to preface this whole piece with the fact that, in the current climate that €313 a month is definitely a lot lower than most other spots, especially in Dublin 1. However, the criteria for Living Hell is not confined to overpriced rent, but more importantly the actual living conditions potential inhabitants would be subjected to, and oh boy wait ’til you see the state of this.

Now, don’t get me wrong things change over time and the renting landscape has evolved a lot since my parents left home, but I never realised landlords were now catering for ants in Dublin.

Say hello to your new home.

Via Daft.ie

It looks like the set of a dark Step Brothers spin-off. Only in my imagined universe, instead of Will Ferrel and John C. Reilly it would feature two other immature adults – Leo Varadker and Micheál Martin and instead of being made to look for jobs and they are made to live a day in the life of someone trying to rent in Dublin and put aside their differences to solve the housing crisis.

Anyways.

It appears the landlord has used a fish eye lens to take the pictures. I don’t know if it was a foolish attempt to make the rooms look bigger or if the Daft.ie post is some faux-artistic, multi-medium allegory on how warped the housing market has become.

Either way, this landlord has ruined the hip hop music videos of my teenage years.

*Cries in Kendrick Lamar*

Via Daft.ie

Now, the first time I saw this letting I genuinely missed the other bed. I couldn’t see it anywhere. But when you take a closer look you will realise that it is of course, in the kitchen.

Via Daft.ie

Is it a bedroom with a pasta cupboard or a world record attempt at Ireland’s most obnoxious dining area? Either way, someone is farting in your kitchen or you are burning toast in their sleeping quarters.

They’ve also prepared for the post-COVID world in which there is an apparent shortage of both ironing boards and tables, so obviously they’ve created a hybrid capable of neither item’s purpose – The Dining Board!

Picture it, you’re late for your morning zoom meeting with work and you have two choices: A. you sit with your legs crossed on your lower bunk on what might as well be a coffin with a mattress or B. You go into your housemate’s bedroom (?) and you tactically cough to conceal his snores.

Imagine going to view this spot, any potential tenants would give this place the same terrified look a pensioner gives the first snow of winter.

Via Daft.ie

Where is it?
Charles Street Great, Dublin 1.

Most glaringly, there’s no mention of a toilet. Literally none. Not once in the description, or in any pictures, nothing. It does, however, say that you are 12 minutes from Tesco. Clean up on aisle three!

Conclusion 
Normally I’d give points for creativity but the deceptive use of a fisheye lens and neverending teenage sleepover club vibes of this place give it a hellish, otherworldly edge, some real Alice In Wonderland shit. Fall down a rabbit hole and wake up to a landlord with a Cheshire cat looking grin telling you to go to someone else’s house to shower and shit and your housemate to turn on the extractor fan if someone farts in his bedroom-kitchen hybrid. On a serious note it’s not the most expensive place, but the fact someone would willingly try to squeeze three people in there is disgraceful. Further proof that landlords are incapable of human empathy.

8/10 on the Shitemeter.

Click here to view the property.