Words: Dylan Murphy
Get away from the hustle and bustle of the capital and stay off the grid in this stunning home.
Welcome to Living Hell, the series highlighting the most ridiculous properties in Dublin’s rental market. This edition, we have the physical manifestation of a landlord’s wildest fantasy – an opportunistic misery machine… I mean a “log cabin”.
What is it?
A “Log cabin to rent”.
I’ve never had the opportunity to stay in a log cabin, it’s one of those luxuries that I always imagined resides in the midst of a snow-covered mountain complete with an open fire and expensive rugs. The kind of place that breeds escapism with its oaky walls, the scent of mulled wine and the steamy windows that protect you from the wind outside. So, let’s have a look.
Sir, this is a shed.
The cheek of calling this a “log cabin”. A LOG CABIN.
You know, this series can get pretty fucking bleak, but I thought no matter how bad things got that each edition would feature actual houses. This is peak capitalism. Slapping a hole you can shit in into a space for housing rogue objects and calling it a house. Imagine throwing some paint buckets and loose tools out of here and thinking, “God, you know if we put a mattress where the lawnmower used to be we could charge someone to live on our patio”.
All in the middle of an unprecedented pandemic. Landlords really have a hard on for money and misery. Unlike their occupants, begrudgingly, their antics continue to live in my head rent-free.
There’s something so jarring about having both gas canisters and a manky-looking mattress within 5 yards of your front door. At least let them put their coat away before being depressed.
Hey, at least all the tools are handy for the landlord to continue digging the hole they’ve created for themselves with their listing.
The upsides are that the bathroom looks ok and you’ll likely not be in violation of any social-distancing regulations. Not because it’s “quite private” as the lister suggests, but because no one will want to visit your weird workshop-depresso hybrid.
Nothing breeds confidence in a property like a hot cooker next to a wall made out of ice lolly sticks.
Jokes aside, the interior in this place is not the worst ever. Yeah, you might go right through the wall when you inevitably bang your head against it in a hopeless rage, but it must be cheap right?
Where is it?
Drimnagh, by the looks of it out the back of this gaff. It’d be genuinely draining having to slide around the side of the house to your shed every night. Maybe after a long day you could tap the top of the wall as you walk through the gate like you are about to do battle at Anfield.
Something exceptionally dystopian about neighbours being able to literally look down on you in your shed from their balcony.
This place is to houses, what Jamie Dornan’s accent in Wild Mountain Thyme is to Ireland.
This is straight up 8.5/10 on the shitemeter.
Click here to view the property on Gumtree.
Update: The Gumtree listing was taken down promptly after this article was published (quelle surprise).
Like a more depressing episode of Scooby Doo, he would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky, meddling people looking for a fair rental market and affordable living quarters.