Words: Dylan Murphy
Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. This edition we’re examining a converted garage… Lucky number 13 eh?
What is it?
A “Unique studio to rent near Deerpark in Blackrock”.
I’d noticed that Daft had dried up as of late, I imagined that young people had finally got sick of paying over the odds for gaffs and dorky landlords had hung up their boots, but a quick google search provided a whole new world of properties that make gumtree’s garden sheds look like alpine ski resorts.
I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was like all the kitchen-bedroom hybrids had immigrated to a new site whose entry requirements entailed that the inhabitants live the most uncomfortable existence possible. The site that hosts these monstrosities is called ‘spotahome‘ and it feels like the result of an idea conceived at the peak of an afters. The kind that sees the guy who you have to keep telling he’s trying to smoke a fag the wrong way round join forces with the kitchen forager sifting through other people’s empties on how they’ll start their own ground-breaking business.
By that I mean, it’s a terrible idea.
The basic premise of the site is that they have people ‘check’ or verify the homes (it’s not actually clear what they are ‘checking’ for) in some heinous attempt to further condition people to believe that it is ok to pay close to €1000 a month to live in a home where you can touch your cooker, bed and toilet all from the same spot (it’s not!).
I could’ve honestly picked any number of properties to examine, but the one we have today, and I say this with my chest, is genuinely the worst spot we’ve had on the series to date.
Additionally, they actually created a three-minute video (which you can view on their site) to review a room that can be seen in its entirety in two frames. They try to sell it as a place perfect for someone who has evolved past the need for essential nutrients and the facilities to shite without going for a hike. News flash – those people don’t exist.
To see what I mean, let’s read the description:
“This studio for rent on Foster’s Avenue is a cute and snug garage studio. You don’t get a huge amount of light, but it’s still a great little spot if you don’t mind having the bathroom located outside of the space.”
€800 a month, for a garage. A GARAGE.
Basically, this is perfect if you are a vampire that has a penchant for shitting alfresco.
What’s even funnier, is in each photo is labelled by room, but obviously this place is so small that they just turn the camera angle slightly and slap ‘bedroom’ on every image.
The place you cook – Bedroom. Your cutlery drawer – Bedroom. The front door from Sea biscuit’s stable – bedroom.
You’d no doubt wake up in cold sweats if you lived in this place and in the midst of your late night fever dream you could easily mistake the ‘kitchen’ area for the world’s worst Boiler Room set. The way the wardrobe, shelf and lamp on the floor of your kitchen crowds around the electric hob (which looks frighteningly like my first pioneer knockoff controller) really is something to behold.
Stick a bucket hat on the lampshade and play some gabber just to feel something.
Additionally, Spotahome also very graciously provided a floor plan that reveals that your living space is a whopping 2.56m x 4.69m, which is 12 meters squared. For scale, I googled the size of an average parking space and AA presented the information we all wanted to know. On average, a mixed-use car parking space is 2.4m wide and 4.8m long. So while parking spaces are marginally thinner, they are in fact, longer than your potential living space.
When wunderlust painting on the wall said “Go somewhere you have never been before” we didn’t mean the depths of hell.
Generous as always, Spotahome also kindly provided a bespoke list of the things they “liked the most” and “things to keep in mind”:
You actually couldn’t make it up.
Things we liked the most: a nearby Pizza Hut and a “comfy vibe”.
Things to keep in mind: The smoke alarm will ring incessantly to ensure that if thoughts about how you found yourself sleeping in the garage for €800 a month don’t keep you up at night, it will. Oh, and if you need to pee in the middle of the night you need to cross the swamp outside.
The fact they’ve given instructions on how to use the bathroom tells you everything you need to know about this kip. The property is a total and utter invasion of the senses.
Where is it?
“The studio is completely self-contained but adjacent to the landlady’s family home”.
A quick look on Google maps reveals that, predictably, in the landlord’s back garden.
“Converted garage” sounds like something a gatekeeping fan of So Solid Crew talks about not somewhere anyone should be living. I’m delighted to give this the worst score of the series so far, a whopping 9.5/10 on the Shitemeter.
Click here to view the property.