Words: Dylan Murphy
With the Irish national team in dire straits we’ve looked to the rappers that can help steady the ship.
Stephen Kenny is having a rough time isn’t he? The gaffer of the national team is 10 games without a win following a loss against Luxembourg who are currently ranked 98th in the FIFA World rankings, things are looking ropey.
Sometimes hard times need creative solutions. While Moneyball saw the Oakland Athletic’s bring in an economics graduate to the assistant managers position, we thought Ireland needed a similarly inventive approach. But rather than a prudent number cruncher we thought we’d look towards the island’s creative trailblazers for some inspiration.
Burner Records’ rapper Fynch would be the first pick in our team for any football pub quiz. The Drimnagh rapper has obscure knowledge on deck and knows players FIFA stats to hand, would be worth reminding some of the players they need to live up to their 80 shooting or that they have four star skills and should use them.
Moreover, Fynch likely holds the record for most League of Ireland references in rap music, period. He’ll instantly command respect from players for such a feat and perhaps bring a contrasting energy to a lethargic looking coach.
Lethal Dialect is the rap-game Marcelo Bielsa. Every word is deliberate and he has an almost obsessive approach to creating mind-blowing wordplay. He’d scrutinise the team’s imperfections and delivery a concise solution, no questions asked.
Coupled with years of experience and an additional bite to match, he’d bring the nuance the team is lacking.
The lyrics in ‘Show You How’ from his LD50 album sum him up:
“He’s a born tactician, every move he makes means something”.
Belfast-based rapper and singer Alicia Raye managed to get 36 artists to feature harmoniously across 26 tracks on one mixtape, so getting a squad of players to operate smoothly should be a piece of pie.
Boss man at Narolane Records and Ireland’s musical connector, God Knows is a front runner for the assistant position.
No stranger to silverware, the Choice Prize winner has earned top honours with Rusangano and worked with Denise Chaila, who recently bagged album of the year.
Rounding up the troops for the multiple ‘Who’s Asking’ remixes, making managerial decisions is G’s bread and butter.
While also dropping bars from time to time, Portrush artist CBAKL has largely made his name as a producer. No stranger to working with other artists and has spent the best part of seven years perfecting his craft and developing a recognisable sound that complements the style of others whilst simultaneously standing strong on its own.
If he were a footballer he’d be the deep-lying playmaker; confident in his range and position in the field and comfortably functioning as the conceptual glue that gets the team working like a well-oiled machine. Get him in there, throw some team-bonding paintball sessions in and they’ll be scoring in no time.
Rejjie Snow headed stateside on a football scholarship before his rap days, so maybe we just throw him in as player-manager and have him play off Pat Lagoon up front.
Ireland’s stoner-rap duo could have a real good cop, bad cop thing going on and rustle a few feathers to get the players going. Alternatively, there’s a few midfielders that need to relax on the ball and maybe a herbal remedy and some smokey Dublin hip hop could be the answer.
Dbo’s bellowing voice is deeper than the Pacific Ocean. Have him come in as the enforcer and give a good old fashion hairdryer at halftime and re-energise the team.