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Living Hell 012: €1,200 a month to float in a pond

Words: Dylan Murphy

Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. For this edition, we’ve examined what might be the most ridiculous property to date.

What is it?

“A stunning lakeside studio”.

Before we look at this property I need to share the eureka moment I had today. After a year of exposing myself to the grimiest and most overpriced hellholes in the capital’s grisly underbelly, I’ve worked out the formula for the postings on Daft.

It’s the most minor win in the midst of the rental market chaos; The world’s most pathetic silver lining if you will. A bit like the frozen pizza that is the perfect distance from a nuclear explosion and is cooked to perfection. I’ll take it though.

We’ve seen with the “log cabin” in Drimnagh that the definitions of luxury items and properties have been stretched and screwed so much they are beginning to lose all meaning. My hypothesis is that our reptilian overlords begin by picking glamorous-sounding features from an AI-powered random word generator that sits in the same lab they were created in. Then they work backwards to find the cheapest properties that could loosely (and I use that term generously) fit their descriptions.

In terms of appearing in Google searches, it makes sense. Meanwhile, somewhere in the peripheries of the city, there’s some poor graduate intern that specialises in SEO optimisation having a quarter-life crisis. Fighting back the tears as he pulls together pictures of sheds and presents them as minimalist log cabins in a post brimming with innovation™ on LinkedIn.

There’s a special level of cognitive dissonance required to write these descriptions and today’s property may just been the wildest one yet. In order to make any sort of sense of what we’re about to look at, let’s flip the script and make this very matter of fact by presenting the description verbatim with the image of the home:

“***Looking for something different***This a stunning detached lakeside studio that has been furnished to the highest standard, tucked away in the stately and elegant private grounds of Mooreen House with private entrance and electric gates opposite the Newlands Golf Course overlooking majestic stately front gardens yet only a stone throw from Tallaght, M50, Red Cow Roundabout. Dundrum is also about 15 minutes away. The property has been recently refurbished and offers lots of Flair and Style. Accom comprises of exceptional bright large living area. Well equipped kitchen with all high end (Miele) appliances modern appliances. Feature pot belly fireplace. Patio doors which lead on to a decking area on the swan lake, quite enchanting, High end wall bed. Separate area for the washer/dryer. Main Bathroom. Large driveway with ample parking”

Ok, first things first, people looking for “something different”, want a waterbed mattress or solar panels on the roof, not the opportunity to live in Archie’s castle in Balamory for €1,200 a month.

The practicalities of living here are just absolutely soul-crushing. “Tucked away in the stately and elegant private grounds of Mooreen House” is landlord code for “living so far into acres of spare land that it’ll be practically impossible for you to make any plans without drafting out your route to the gates with Google Maps”.

There’s nothing “enchanting” about floating on a pond and nothing “stunning” about storing your clothes in a shelf above the fridge despite what the listing tells you.

While I’ll accept that the inside furnishings are clean, the hexagonal shape of the room has it feeling like a Vietnam-war flashback to Gandalf’s final duel in Isengard.

And while I’m all for natural light, not having the option to cover the windows on a wall as sturdy as Ireland’s Astra-Zeneca supply chain is a little concerning.

Moreover, I’m not convinced by the idea that there is a “Separate area for the washer/dryer”. “Area” is as vague as it gets and it seems to be the only feature they didn’t tag some wanky adjective onto the end of, which tells me it’s the one place they couldn’t glamorise. Who knows what or where it is.

All that being said, I hadn’t even mentioned the fact your bed pulls down out of an oversized coffin into what is simultaneously your kitchen, bedroom and living area. Look at that black, studded wallpaper too *shudders*. Your local goths are now interior designers, feel old yet?

It’s worth saying, that most of the properties we’ve looked at in this series have been in Dublin city, are bigger than this, don’t come with a drowning hazard and they still cost less.

Where is it?

m̶i̶d̶d̶l̶e̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶t̶h̶

Mooreen House, Belgard Road Newlands Cross, Clondalkin, Dublin 22

Conclusion

Overpriced, totally impractical to live in and looks like a child took cheap paint to the shed I used to smoke joints with my mates in.

I’m giving this a 9.5/10 on the shitemeter.

Click here to view the property.

Have you seen an overpriced hellhole online? Email us at Editor@districtmagazine.ie with the subject ‘Living Hell’.

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