Living Hell 018: The 5 most impractical homes this week

Words: Dylan Murphy

Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. This week, we couldn’t decide which property to feature so we threw them all into one big horrible list.

Usually, the hardest part of crafting a new edition of Living Hell is deciding which property to feature. It’ll come as no surprise that each week without fail I have a wealth of choices to pick from the underbelly of Ireland’s online rental market and to be perfectly honest, with the resulting brain fog from my second vaccine dose weighing heavy on me my little pea brain couldn’t cope with more difficult decisions.

So I gathered all the horrible gaffs you could almost smell through the computer screen and placed organised them in a format loved by gen-z, millennials and zoomers alike – a big fat list.

After 18 instalments of the series, I kind of see my baby as old enough to drink and if it’s old enough to skull a pint then you best believe it can wince at multiple studio apartments at once with the additional sass that comes with being a grumpy teen.

So without further ado, here are the four worst properties I could find whilst my body started emitting 5g.

The leaning tower of freezer

At first glance, I believed whoever decorated this property placed the freezer on top of the washing machine in a search for space that was executed with the nuance of someone dropping a fart in a library. However, on closer inspection when I cross-checked with the images of the bedroom, it’s clear they have in fact put the wardrobe on top of the washing machine.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you have to get creative to make the most of a room, but it looks like a witch cast a spell that turned a man balancing a pint on his head into a series of inanimate objects.

Is the chair propping up said wobbly wardrobe? Or is it being stored underneath it? Either way, these are not questions you should have to ask for €1,000 a month.

Click here to view the property.

Hell’s waiting room

When the microwave is the most luxurious looking thing in your apartment you know something is not right. Look at it, sitting comfortably on a table that holds it up with no questions asked, laughing at your puny existence. You could only wish your chair had even a crumb of the fortitude of its thin, ceramic worktop.

For your €800 a month, you have to settle for a chair that someone in a nursing home died on.

I mean honestly, this looks like the waiting room for hell. You can’t even exist comfortably in this place, let alone do anything that doesn’t remotely make you feel like crying.

Enjoy watching your pot noodle turn radioactive for entertainment in your weird dusty carpet purgatory.

Click here to view the property.

Home? Sir, this is a dungeon with a bed

This series always entails a certain degree of investigative work. Usually, it’s working out the location of the property, what type of gaff it is or how the layout of the room correlates to the pictures provided. Very rarely is it all three, however today we have quite possibly the ugliest hat trick I’ve ever laid eyes on.

I mean, look at the slanty ceiling, even inanimate objects are doing their best to slide out the window. Looks like the Pixar-looing lamp is about to hopscotch out this kip.

The wooden planks supporting the infrastructure at each corner of the room doesn’t exactly breed confidence.

Given the veranda doors, I’m hedging a bet this is a shed outside someone’s back, but it’s hard to be sure and predictably they’ve provided as little information as possible to keep literally and figuratively in the dark about their dimly lit hellhole.

The ‘bedroom’ is genuinely terrifying in this place. It looks like the starting point for an escape room and it’s all yours for €1,200 a month x.

Click here to view the property.

* Deep Breaths Intensify *

€825 per month? For this?

Please, fuck off.

Click here to view the property.

Have some flowers, that will make everything better

Potential renter: €1,500 a month seems an awful lot for this place?

Landlord: Have you seen the flowers?

Potential renter: I’m sure that that is in fact a deck chair with a mattress on top.

Landlord: Can I interest you in a stainless steel kettle?

Potential Renter: Is there anywhere to even store my clothes?

Landlord: No security, just vibes.

Click here to view the property.

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