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Living Hell 014: A Daft Royal Rumble

Words: Dylan Murphy

Words: Dylan Murphy

Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. For this edition, we’ve got two absurd listings going head to head for the title of grimmest gaff in Dublin 2021.

What is it?

Well, usually ‘it’ refers to a singular room that I’ve found on the internet that we all inevitably gasp at before throwing our Twitter fingers into action. But this week, ‘It’ was a feeling of stomach-churning anxiety that could roll over the toughest of Sunday scaries, the kind of sweat that gazumps the most gigantic childhood traumas. Even the feverish panic that washes over your body as a teen when your mam rolls into the driveway and you realise you forgot to put the dinner on pales in comparison to this.

‘It’ represents the moment my soul separated from my flesh as I levitated above my earthly container and I drew what I believed was my final breath on earth.

Ok, dramatics aside, ‘It’ is two terrible gaffs, but it represents the first time in this series that I have been genuinely unable to choose which property to feature. For better or worse, I’ve laid my eyes on a lot of shit, overpriced apartments and studios, but I’ve never had a moment where I was genuinely lost for words twice in one day – until this week.

You know things are bad when single room studios where the bed, cooker and toilet are in touching distance for €1000 don’t make the cut for a series about the worst properties in the capital. Believe me when I say a lot of smelly overpriced box rooms got sent to the back of the line like they were an aggressive Karen jacked up on ice-lattes on black Friday.

However, the two properties that did make it are being pinned up against each other for the title of grimmest gaff in Dublin 2021 (so far). Rather than a methodical approach to comparing the properties, I thought we’d sort it out the old fashioned way – with a big scrap. In an attempt to regress as much as possible into my childhood, the two studios will be going head to head in a wrestling and RPG Pokémon crossover duel.

Both properties enter the ring and have the opportunity to land 5 blows before passing over to the other. After the moves have been completed the points will be tallied similar to a box office fight and we’ll crown the winner(?).

Pay Mysterio

Ooft, this shared room in Parnell Street the kind of place that walks out to the ring to Vanilla Ice unironically.

In the midst of its ongoing identity crisis, Parnell Street’s Pay Myesterio uses ‘garden furniture‘ as its first move in an attempt to confuse both its opponent and any potential renters (5 points). I mean seriously, that table and chairs says ‘sit out the back and smoke a rollie the morning after a night out beside overgrown grass’ not here’s where you can eat your dinner.

Before anyone has made sense of its first move, its next flex is to jump off the proverbial ropes and land a huge blow using ‘shared kitchen wardrobe‘ (7 points). This move has two sides to it. Primarily, your clothes will smell of whatever you choose to eat, so you’ll have to think tactically. What fragrance can I write off as aftershave in the office? If I cook with wine can I describe my jeans as having an aromatic scent? Is that garlic really necessary for tonight’s pasta? So many questions.

Secondly, there’s extremely limited space, so you’ll probably be limited to three outfits. Ideally, I recommend something dynamic and smell proof, perhaps a bin liner would serve you best in this property.

Its next move is a right hook followed by ‘no personal space‘ (7 points) – a classic in the Dublin property world fighting championships.

Since the dawn of time, humans have asked the big questions: what is the meaning of life? What came first, the chicken or the egg? How do we fight climate change? I’ve never seen my neighbours bring in the shopping, are we in a simulation?

Now, with this kind of studio we’re asking questions like: How do you choose to go to sleep at a different time to the other occupier? Does one person agree to sleep with the light on whilst the other goes about their business ? Or conversely whilst one person sleeps does the other work away in the dark?

Pulling inspiration from the best Italian football tacticians the world has ever seen, the property puts the microwave, kettle, toaster and utensil holder into a ‘Flat Back Four’ in an attempt to close off the space in an already crowded area (5 points).

At least you can reach for the bin liner from your wardrobe if the microwave catches fire from the cooker and you need to let it melt in a smell-proof bag.

For its finishing move, Pay Mysterio hits a killer blow by revealing the price per month: a whopping €1,100. (8 points)

Click here to view the property (Total: 32 points)

The Undertaker

The Undertaker came back from the grave, but with property numero dos, it feels like the landlord is flogging a dead horse.

What in the name of god is the entrance they have constructed?!

This feels like a low blow. I don’t actually understand the thought process behind this or why there are drawers in the ‘hallway’ (I shudder calling it that). Not sure what to even call this move, but it’s getting 10 points straight off the bat, it’s fucking awful.

Though on the flip side, maybe the transparent flexi-pyrex will give you the crumb of light you need to stop you withering away. A light wind could see your entry looking like one of the doors from Monster’s Inc.

Thanks, Google Maps.

Next, they used ‘Messy Yard‘ (6 points). It’s worth reading the description for the property to understand this move:

“There are two private gardens: one a bit messy (at the moment till I find solution to clean it up) and the second one to the side of the studio, plenty of space for BBQ.”

In their attempts to conceal the yard, they built a scrappy looking fence and paid homage to Dora The Explorer with their complementary map.

The points are tallying up and while the last property provided one wardrobe between two, this one has kindly provided an additional one. How nice of them. It gets 5 points for landing this right hook. It’s like building a custom character in a game and you dump all the points into magic and there is none left for charisma. Except they got two wardrobes and forgot to get a proper fucking bed.

Welcome to 166 Cyprus Court, Ballybrack, the only house where you have to move your table to unlock your bed. (6 points)

Though it’s not quite enough to take the title, the finisher move of ‘ominously placed tissues’ earns a respectably 4 points to leave the weird granny flat with a Frankensteined entry on 31 points. Sitting at €1,100, it’s the same price as the first property. It’s a tight one, but I think our shared bedroom kitchen takes it.

Click here to view the property. (31 points)

Conclusion

It’s been strikingly similar to those Youtube and influencer bouts that have been popping up on the box office recently. No one really actually cares much for the sports, you just want to see a pro boxer open a can of whoop ass on Logan Paul.

I feel for anyone having to live in these properties, it’s shed years off my life just viewing them online.

View property one and two.

Have you seen an overpriced hellhole online? Email us at Editor@districtmagazine.ie with the subject ‘Living Hell’ or follow us on Instagram @livinghell.ireland.

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