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Living Hell 015: One kitchen bunkbed, please

Words: Dylan Murphy

Welcome back to Living hell, the series profiling the worst kips on Daft in Dublin. For this edition, we’ve found a hellhole informed by the increasingly algorithmic depths of the dark web.

What is it?

It’s ridiculous. Obviously, it’s ridiculous.

Even when the most secure websites in the world crashed this week – Amazon, The UK Government, Reddit and countless others, the pothole on the information superhighway still survived. Yep, in the midst of internet nuclear implosion, Daft is a cockroach that somehow still survives.

Almost prophetically, it duly delivered another level of living hell that we were yet to access in our primitive Reddit-dwelling simulation. This was the end of days we’d been warned about. The pandemic was just a smokescreen and now we have some fella standing outside the Dáil ringing a bell whilst our lizard overlord pulls the next generation of genetically engineered landlords from mason jars in The Ronan Group’s basement.

It’s this Landlord-Hotel-white watering rafting industrial complex that’s birthing properties that only a homunculus could comfortably fit in. It’s these kinds of kips that routinely sit at the top of my Daft searches.

I like to think that they derive the DNA for these future landlords from the rental website’s internal algorithm. Additionally, I imagine they’d have a voice box akin to what you see at build-a-bear with market-researched sound bites that tell viewers that “it’s market forces” or “but sure why would you need another room when you can have a cooker and bed in one!”

It’s scary what technology can do these days and I’m almost convinced the same machine-learning software that powers deep fakes online is helping to design overpriced one room holes in the capital. I mean, just look a this week’s property:

It basically ticks all the boxes that have become a shitty trademark of the properties that make the cut for this series: Wardrobe that makes a coffin look like a snug; a bedframe made out of chopstix; landlord failing to see the irony of the cheesy text on their decorative piece; all of the above in your kitchen.

Couple that with a price tag of €850 a month it’s got the makings of one of the worst we’ve seen to date.

The description from Northside Property Lettings, says “Studio apartment fully furnished Kitchen area, bunk beds, bathroom Fully self contained”.

It might as well be an allegory for this place. A random series of words that function individually, sure why not throw them together, that does the same job as a sentence right? Right?! Just lump all the individual pieces of furniture and utensils onto a piece of carpet from a forensic lab and call it a day.

No cupboard door? No one wants to see the cleaning products under the sink. They don’t deserve to be exposed like that.

One person living in this place is bad enough, but inflicting that kind of pain on two people is beyond cruel.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t cope with the “home sweet home”. Not to mention the minion stickers and a sign saying “king”, it has the fridge feeling like a boomer’s attempt at getting down with the kids.

Forget all the nonsense and conspiracies about vaccines and 5G, it’s these landlord’s that we should be worried about. Spend a night staring at the electronics in this place and you’ll begin to question your very existence. Contact your landlord and they’ll redirect you to captcha images of the property which you have to click in a last-ditch attempt to end your existential misery.

I’ve had it with the half-baked mirror selfie approach to sharing photos of these kips. If you are going to be an absolute eejit, wear it with your chest. I’ve ran out of steam for now, but I’ll leave you to ponder what exactly is rotting away in the top left corner of the bathroom?

Where is it?

Cabra Park, Dublin 7

Conclusion

No human rights, just vibes.

This get a solid 8/10 on the shitemeter.

Click here to view the property.

Have you seen an overpriced hellhole online? Email us at Editor@districtmagazine.ie with the subject ‘Living Hell’ or follow us on Instagram @livinghell.ireland.

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